Well I grew up in a Christian home and got saved when I was 3 at antioch family worship center. Did the typical kid thing with sunday school and kids church. Then we started attending Lenexa Christian center when I was like…7 or so. Then got hardcore into 180 (youth group). It was my favorite night of the week. Hang out with my buddies and worship. Growing up through middle school and high school I saw many kids around me start to get into sex, drugs, alcohol, and that party atmosphere. Well i never had a desire to get into any of that so I kinda continued on the “straight and narrow.” I was made fun of a lot when I was growing up and it kinda started to build up and build up over the years without me knowing it or seeing it’s effects. Anywho, in high school I played football up until sophomore year, then I quit for personal reasons. Then I got into the ‘work force’ at 16 and did that for the majority of the time.
Well, next thing I know i’m 18 and deciding on college. Welp, I do some praying and realize God wants me at MNU to study sports broadcasting. So i figure I’m going to do sportscasting for the rest of my life. So, freshman year goes by pretty good. Then sophomore year comes and I take out some loans to live on campus. I started to lose focus on my studies and also lose a passion for it. Then junior year comes and I pretty much faceplant. School’s not going so well and I’m not doing so well spiritually, emotionally, or mentally. I start to look at going into music ministry and the goal is join a sweet band and tour. Well I pray and pray for answers, then about a couple days after my prayers I get the opportunity to join a band and tour with them. Long story short, it didn’t work out. Then I felt hopeless. “what am I here for?” “what’s the purpose of me living?” etc. I got more and more depressed until I got to that stage of complete brokenness and despair. And anyone who’s ever been there knows it’s rough. That took place around christmas, then 1.5 months later in early february I drop out of college because of what I was going through and also with my decaying passion for higher education. I move home and I feel even more worthless because of the disappointment I’ve caused my family because of my newly acquired “college dropout” status. On February 16 I fall the hardest I’ve ever fallen. I sat and cried with my mom about how I didn’t want to be on earth anymore. *at this point i couldn’t care less about going to heaven. I was willing to go to hell just to escape. Even though it would be torture to go to hell* I told all my friends I was going to commit suicide that night. I sat in a state of brokenness and torture as I contemplated the means of my demise. I felt bad for my parents who would have to face the fact that they couldn’t do anything to save me. A sister who’s only 17 that I leave behind who now has no big brother anymore. I cared about all that but my death was more important. I was selfish but I didn’t care. Jesus and this christian life wasn’t saving me or doing anything for me. My life was governed by circumstances. Anyway, I give everyone a final warning then I turn off my phone and sit in front of my computer, with blank, glazed over eyes. Seeing that a ton of people had messaged me on both facebook and myspace telling me I’m selfish, don’t do it, etc. Well I dont even read them cuz I’ve made up my mind. Then I start thinking about how I don’t want to die just yet. So (a bit of humor in this) I go play tony hawk pro skater and try to calm down a bit.
Then I decide to turn on my phone to get a bunch of texts and missed calls. Then I get a call from a fella who just started talking to me about how it’s all good and how I’m gonna be alright. Now, this is very simple, but basically I receive an attitude change. And feeling foolish, I repent. It was simple, I wasn’t crying heavily or sobbing or anything but I got to a point of true remorse and realized my stupidity. I lay down on the floor, completely prostrate, and confess my sins to God and ask for forgiveness. Then I feel the GREATEST FEELING OF COMPLETE AND PURE PEACE over myself. Praise God. Jesus is picking me up and putting me on my feet. And from that day God started His renewal process on my broken heart, my shattered mind, my damaged soul. Well, for 2 weeks I am overwhelmed with a heavenly joy every morning. Just like Lamentations 3:22-23: “it is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed because His compassions fail not!. They are new each morning, great is His faithfulness. Then 2 weeks later I have a bad day but I don’t hit that low. I give thanks to God and ask Him for help and he immediately renews me again. Finally, after all these years, God has given me this spiritual maturity and a great attitude to go with it. Pretty soon, He gives me such a desire to read the Word and just learn more about it. Romans 10:17 starts to become effective and important to me: “faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. So, reading the Word builds me up as well as increasing my faith. Then the devil, being the deceiver he is, gets me thinking that my happiness is reaching the end of the road and I’m going back to depression again. (this happened this past week!) And all I can hear is “this time I’ll make sure you’re dead”
That’s not exact quote but that’s what i keep thinking over and over. I’m just frustrated over living obediently and it’s i’m starting to listen to the devil again. Well, then I think about what God brought me through and what He told me to do. So i get to work on satan, start rebuking the crap out of him, then i go and read that Word and immediately feel awesome again!
So that’s the story. It’s a new me and this new me will NEVER DIE. Jesus is so amazing.
I have these people to thank specifically for saving my life:
Jesus, Mom, Dad, Labreeska, Christy, Chris, Josh, Dylan, Sarah, Brianna, Frank, Lindsey, and Rob
there are many others who i didn’t list who prayed for me and helped me through tough times and helped me realize God is ALWAYS there.
Praise Jesus for this renewal and this coming REVIVAL
And here’s a special message for satan: I AIN’T NEVER GOING BACK! AND I CLAIM THAT IN JESUS’ NAME, WHO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU 2000 YEARS AGO AND KEEPS ON DOING IT AMEN!
